Bad Ideas: Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

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Sunday, May 10th, 2009
Thelma Logo
My darling Ma-hinder,

There I was sitting in my armchair sucking on a flute of Dom Perignon and contemplating my singular lot in life when I happened, as you may imagine often happens with those who suck on expensive dew at ungodly hours, to come across a surprising news item which seemed to insinuate as news items sometimes do, that your minions in the east of paradise had bunged three media chappies from ole Blighty out on their ear. Deported was the word whispered behind shaky hands at the Jumping Snail and Snoad - the local pub down the street.

It is not in Thellie's nature to hang about in speakeasies dearie but these are trying times. And Thellie has been known of an evening to put on her credit crunch chic stilletoes and clippetty clop down the cobbled lane to share a pint o bitter with the lower orders.

I suppose a journo may prove as irritating to a dictator as a medieval knight to a fire spitting dragon entertaining on his knobbly knee, a damsel in apparent distress, but it's a poor excuse.

And their crime? Apparently something to do with tarnishing your image. Dearie me! And here I was all the time thinking that you were doing a pretty good job of that yourself. If I were you, which I am not thank Osiris and Isis, I would by all means arrest them furriners, but not for covering the little spat you seem to be waging in the north, nor for exposing some dirty little secrets about alleged northern concentration camps.

Rather I would arrest them for far more serious crimes against humanity. Their bally names for a start. I mean to say who goes about calling himself reading from left to right Nick Paton-Walsh. Either you are Chris Patten and you best be window shopping in Hong Kong, or you are Courtney Walsh in which case you had best be spending your time rubbing a red ball  vigorously on the side of your crotch and bunging it at 120 miles per hour at another  bloke wielding a willow. Unless of course this Nick fellow has admitted under bright lights to being the love child of Chris Patten and Courtney Walsh, a turn of affairs I very much doubt.

Same bally problem with that other fellow Jeremy broadsheet....no book binder....no no...Page I think it was. I mean to say dear, if as a child you were to run up to your mummy and say, 'Mummy dear when I grow up I want to be a scribe,' wouldn't your mummy try hard not to turn you into a Page? And it is for these crimes that you should have been arresting these fellows darling. If you are going to hurl wild accusations at journalists, at least make them credible enough to stick.       

No good telling the world these chaps are dodgy journos. From what Thellie hears - and you know how my well turned ear is always to the ground - they appear to be splendid blokes at the top of their game. Of course I did notice that your grouse with Page was that the  last time he was in paradise he insisted on reporting all about that other little matter darling. Yes the one you want to sweep under the bally carpet. That thorn in your flesh. That blot on your escutcheon. Yes I refer to  Lasantha. You remember him surely.

It may be one of your little idiosyncracies in life  to continue with the endless dinner party while the dead body lies hidden under the walnut dining table shrouded in crisp white table linen, but these are not plans that have stood the the test of time.

I can only but tell you dear that as plans go this idea of yours to arrest journalists and what not is one of the worst plans in the history of the world since - as has been pointed out before by better wenches than me- perhaps Hitler's dad told Hitler's mum after a spot of sauerkraut and black pudding, 'Vee best be getting upstairs mein frau I'm feeling a little saucy tonight'....I mean think of the agony  the world might have been spared if only Hitler's mum had complained of a headache.

It makes my head spin. 

Anyway here I am writing to you again, opening up our line of communication as  I heard through the grapevine that you missed me.  In these chilling times when journos are being used for target practice such sentiments give me pause....but you and I are old friends and what's a pot shot or two between buddies eh?

A little note once a week is not much to ask for. Though I admit I have been ever so discombobulated by Paradisian insensitivity these last months.

If I may refer you to the entry in my diary... oh here it is....

January 6

"Weather remains middling. MTV/MBC television station goes up in puff of smoke."

How trying darling, of the MTV to smoke in that way especially when the weather was so middling.

January 8

"In hurry. Rushing to  hospital. Editor bludgeoned to death on way to work. Weather remains fine."

And under your watch too. Tch tch. what will those bally Swedes say! Give us a visa?

Ta ra for the nonce

Thellie Bellie